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i believe that at least one moment in your life you’ll meet somebody who’s goin to be the reason to give up old habits, who will be the only one that gives your life its sense… to the point that you know you’re overwhelmingly different from your normal self just because you want to be the best that you can be… at one point in your life… you’re actually scared to screw things up… you will be walking on eggshells if you have to and that will be perfectly fine because you’re more scared of losing that only person who makes life seems so easy just because they exist…

have you ever met someone who’s great enough to wake urself up in the middle of ur sleep just to call them, and the following morning you go to work with just 2 hrs of sleep under you belt but u still feel all jazzed up??? have you ever felt this way? have you ever had the chance of having someone phenominal, that you would be willing to travel halfway across the globe just to be at least half great for him???

have you ever felt this way? of falling madly in love??? butterflies in you stomach every time you think of him because u cant stop wondering when will be the next time you’ll hear him… more importantly, u feel all sick with just the idea of losing this person, of the possibility of messing things up??? have you ever experienced loving someone more than you… that all you can think of is how to make him happy and how to make him stay???

have you met someone whos unbelievably great to actually make you think twice about the decisions you already made in life??? his existence is making you feel that just being apart is the worse decision you’ve ever made… have you ever met that one person??? who doesnt even care if ur just wearing ur good old jeans with ur oversized shirt plus you’re havng a bad hair day, and he would still look at you like as if you’re the most beautiful person in the room???

have you ever met him??? well, i have… and there’s no turning back… no stopping… im giving him all thats left of me… i am at my best because of him… and i thank him for that…

having him is the biggest shake that i ever have… being with him makes me realize that life, whatever uncertainties and difficulties you may face, it will still be beautiful, just because he’s right there holding your hand…

I cannot really remember the exact details why on earth i got so hooked with him.but if there is one thing that I am all too sure is that, as long as my memory serves me well, whether I am a slave in heaven or hell, I would always remember how unbelievably wonderful he is and how i phenominally love him. i may not know the exact details of how we would end up, but i do have an idea of how fascinating this have been. call it remarkable, interesting, unique or whatever, but one thing i know is that we will strive to the point of exhausting ourselves just to save this relationship.

There is magic in loving a person: that even as they are absent in sight and sound, they still remain, faint but palpable, yet nevertheless there, waiting for the emptying cup to be filled again. Even saying thank you seems to be so small for how you have remained there. Still, I thank you. I only hope that my friendship and love is worthy enough to be the gift for all the years that are still to come. i love you so much, and i will not do anything less than that… because im not capable of it…

its already been 2 months since my dad passed away… ive never spoken to anyone about how im feeling exactly… i was too busy being strong for everybody especially my mom… i was so busy taking care of them… then, it hits me, ive been keeping this all along… how much i hate what happened… how lost i am right now, because he’s not around… how painful it is… how shattered i am right now… i miss him terribly… ill trade everything that i have for another hug… for another pat on the back… for anything from my dad…  memories, although good ones, will always bring me sorrow now that he’s gone… i dont wanna let go, i dont wanna move on… i just wanna keep him locked in my heart… i wanna keep on hurting somehow, because i dnt wanna believe that he’s not around anymore… i dnt wanna believe anything that had happened… to me, its all a big joke… im still waiting for the punchline… but how long should i wait??? it doesnt matter though, i will wait… until i exhaust myself… until i wake up from a phenominally huge nightmare… until my dad is right here with me again… until i hear his voice calling me… until i hear him laugh again… ill pretend until i make myself believe that he’s still here… ill pretend, because i dnt want to understand things… i honestly dont want to accept things… by denying things, im keeping him… by denying things, ill never loose him, never…

what makes me happy this past few days? hmm… a good tennis match. working out. having a nice walk or run. being on time. having a good peer review. getting your department’s annual appropriations done. having your morning tea breaks with one moist muffin and a cup of coffee. one nice nectarine for breakfast. phone calls from your friends. a smile from my patients. a hug from my kids. seeing emma after work. sharing choc mint ice cream cake with a friend. a thank you from my family. rain (so i wont have to water my muddy lawn). capoeira trainings. seeing my mom-away-from-home. talking to ange about nasty carol. seeing the botox ladies over at the ENT clinic. watching h*o*t-house surgeons work out. getting a nice set of underwear. goin to the beach. finishing my dictations. being recognized. being invited for a talk. formal dates. flowers. driving. doing cartwheels after a tennis match or during capoeira trainings. cooking something nice. receiving green-joke messages from wendy. watching kitchen confidential and takeshi’s castle. losing weight. finding a nice set of pants on sale. taking photos. (to be continued…)

do you really have to hurt, in order to feel again?

do you have to be shattered, to be whole again?

do you have to fall down to move on afterwards?

do you have to experience death to live again?

a lot of questions, not a single answer…

too much emotional battle, not enough strength…

im in an emotional slump, with noone to pull me up…

i better gather up all my strength to find the elusive answers to my sentimental questions…

You have been so down and out… for some time now, you have managed to lose some important people… not because you wanted to… but because you had to give up your own time with them in order to give way to more important matters concerning your family, but most of all, concerning you… by giving time to others, especially going out of your way for them… you lost a lot of time for yourself because the time you have left for you is only enough for your family… well, it’s not even enough for the whole of it… you are gradually losing yourself in your own indulgences and dreams… you have wandered off too far into a world you once thought you knew so well… and now… you found out, to your surprise, that it is entirely new… many thought that you are now seemingly turning like the rest… “average”… it is so sad because many believe otherwise… they believe that you are the best… a superior… you yourself believed that too… but why the sudden change in status? Why have you become so lazy and tired all of a sudden?

You are not that! In fact, you are not even a point near becoming that losing person you now seem to personify. You know why? Because many can still see the potential in you that you are taking for granted because you are prioritizing less important things like image and fame, and the satisfaction of friends and other people… can’t you see? By trying to please everyone, you are losing yourself… everybody ends up happy except you, who is left with nothing to be proud of but the fact that you pleased a lot of people… how about yourself? Are you happy with the way things are? Are you proud of collecting achievements meant for others, leaving yourself with nothing but the gratification of helping them out? When will you help yourself? When will you realize that time is too precious to waste on less important matters? That time is something that runs forward and that it will never run back… that your success and your future as a whole will depend greatly on how well you will manage time now.

Think long and think hard… contemplate further… look deeper into yourself and try to see the changes, which you yourself undertook but somehow overlooked… reflect on your actions and see if they fit in or blend… most importantly, start believing in yourself again, more than those who believe in you. Dreams are meant to be realized… but not at the same time. Wishes do come true… but only if you work on them at their moments. Bring that vision back… awaken that drive in you which placed you on the pedestals of many… rekindle that flame of success which you once had burning so bright… love others but never forget to love yourself as well… have the will, the dream and the heart, and no one will be able to stop you. Live… and let live. Love… and let love. Dream… but do not sleep on them. Learn and grow, and always remember to share your achievements… Let success grow in your heart and not in your head… But before anything else… before you start and end… never lose faith… in God, in yourself and in those who believe in you.

All things must end after all. The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be. Goodbye is as much a necessity as hello. Step out that door you’ve been staring at for so long. Bid farewell to that warm little spot you had with a view to die for. Close the door behind you. Dance to a new tune. Sing another song. Burn those letters and bury the dried flowers because love, bound by contracts or otherwise, has to end sometime.

we were cuddling… he asked if im cold… i said "i’m fine"… he put his coat around me… he said "fine is not good enough… i want you to feel perfect"

I wanted to let you know that I’m not frozen anymore. I’m working on walking steady, sometimes flying and I realize now that I caught a glimpse of God in your eyes. I saw myself in that reflection and wonder still how you could ever not want that. And this is where the pain begins.

I ache for you and all the others whom I have loved…I see that we weren’t ever really separate and this realization sometimes makes me sad. I miss all of you who decided to go away and especially you, who believed that he could. I’m waiting for you to remember and this seperation…Should I tell you all the things that I care about? How most of these moments we’ve been sleeping?

Alone, I feel that something great is happening and that once looked at directly, completely eludes me. How do I share The Elusive One when I can’t touch your skin? I’m letting go of meaning, really I am.

You want our love to be unimportant, right? Feels impossible. Pure love experienced through form is not easily forgotten. How amazing, moving this flesh around as we do - Poets and painters continue without this form, i know that those dreams are true, and you are always singing from within a silvery purple sphere…

May good spirits surround and bless you. May your brow be smoothed and may I be given the chance to lay with you again.

Hay tiempos que usted acaba de sentir estúpido… sobre algo… entonces usted pide ayuda… entonces su rescatador llega a ser de repente tan mocosa… entonces usted se siente aún más estúpido… yo no pediré ayuda ya, no de él… Su chistoso a veces que esas personas quien usted no espera ayudarle con algo, resultará ser su manta de la seguridad… y esas personas que se supuso ser su amigo, ha resultado ser un dolor grande…